Men finally admit to being bullied by their exes over child access, money and love

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More dads are becoming victims of bullying as their partners threaten to restrict access to children, legal experts say in a new report.

The shock report says men are being bullied over money, access to their children and are even being forced to stay in broken abusive relationships out of fear.

The trend has been reported by lawyers who said they are seeing cases of male clients who have become caught up in “unhealthy” coercive control relationships.

Coercive control is described as a pattern of behaviour which strips a victim of their  sense of self.

It is normally associated with female victims being cowed by loutish exes.

However, lawyers say there are a rising numbers of cases involving men.

According to research more than a third of men in the UK have actually admitted to being a victim of coercive control.

And more than half of respondent said they had experienced bullying or controlling behaviour – exactly same percentage as female respondents.

The research was carried out for IBB Solicitors, based in Buckinghamshire, by Atomik Research who spoke to 1,000 men and 1,000 women aged 18-65.

Kate Ryan, a family law partner at IBB Solicitors, said that in the last 15 years she has seen an increase in cases of both male and female victims from different walks of life including professionals.

She said: “I think there are more men coming forward now it is more acceptable and there is better support out there in terms of mental health and psychological support.

“There are also a lot of charities helping and generally society has less stigma around the subject so men are feeling there is less of an issue coming forward and speaking to police and lawyers telling them that they’re experiencing this kind of relationship.

“For some of them it has been going on for years and years. Even women don’t feel comfortable coming forward and as that’s becoming less of an issue for them, so it is for men. I think we’ll see a lot more of this as things go on.”

Ms Ryan said that regarding the trend of women “using” the child as leverage to threaten their partner into staying in the relationship is “100 per cent quite common”.

“Family courts, particularly where children are involved, are quite renowned with supporting women, and I think women know that and use it and know that their children are a hard-hitting point – yet that’s manipulation”.

She said that financial control, manipulation and checking up on where partners are also common features in coercive control relationships.

“The male element is coming out and undoubtedly there are other males like this who have experienced this and they will start to come out, easy with new definition of coercive behaviour.”

The research also found that amongst those who said they had experienced bullying or abusive behaviour, nearly half of men (48 per cent) said they did nothing about it – significantly higher than the figure for women (33 per cent).

It became illegal to subject someone to coercive control in December 2015 following landmark legislation which paved the way for new charges to be brought.

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38 thoughts on “Men finally admit to being bullied by their exes over child access, money and love

  1. Hi Leigh
    Thank you for highlighting some important issues. Unfortunately s76 of the Serious Crimes Act 2015 applies to only a very narrow set of circumstances that excludes most targetted parents in cases of PA. There can be no doubt that witholding or severing contact between a parent and child ranks amongst the worst and most coercive things that one human being can do to another. However, the definition of the offence of coercive control is so narrow that it is of little or no use to most alienated children and parents.

    In order to convict someone of the offense they must either be in an intimate personal relationship with the partner OR living together AND members of the same family OR living together and they have previously been in an intimate personal relationship with each other.

    Since most alienated parents are neither in intimate relationships with their former partners nor living under the same roofs as their ex’s they fall at the first hurdles in considerig a prosecution under the offense.

    The law has been deliberately drafted to apply to only a select set of circumstances and to exclude most parents and children who are victims of PA. It is a disgrace and, as the study shows, millions of child abusers and domestic abusers have been let off the hook.

  2. Richard White Finally ? It’s been exposed for years and nothing gets done about it expect men get Police warning letters for exposing the abuse this is fact. And yes I have exposed the abuse.
    1

  3. Jason Ponting Peter Charles Smith yep the police and the family court refuse to accept it
    Steve Monaro Perhaps we need an offence of coercive behaviour in Australia too, though it would be difficult to prove I’d imagine. It’s sad and worrying that society has come to a point where the criminal law is being called upon to adjudicate on personal relationships.

  4. Ben admit it? I’ve been jumping up and down trying to draw it to the attention of the police, dcp, csa, mediation, phsycologists and the courts. No one will believe that this could even be possible when she turns on the water works and plays the victim. A 6 foot, medium built male has no rights and no avenue of recourse to the lies and verbal and physical violence perpetrated in the name of ‘protecting the children’ aka alienation.🤬

  5. Bart I have been admitting for years that my ex bullies me but no one wants to believe it except the very few who see it happening

  6. Steve Monaro Chesky Cick : The problem is that judges can’t do anything without evidence. If men don’t complain and put it in affidavits, then nothing will happen.

  7. Barry Bertossa Finally admit??? lt has been happening since before the CSA was hatched. The legal system has favoured the perceived victim for decades and has empowered them and their legal representatives to lie, cheat, deceive, and ultimately abuse the ones they claim to love and protect, the innocent kids who get caught up in the crossfire.

  8. Alan Gill At last it is being recognized that men can and are being physically emotionally and psychologicaly abused. And that the children are used as a weapon against dads. This is not about gender bashing but about getting a balanced perspective on family violence

  9. Laura Phillips WE MUST DEMAND THAT PROPER EDUCATION AND TRAINING ON PARENTAL ALIENATION IS GIVEN THE MENTAL HEALTH COMMUNITY, JUDGES AND THOSE PEOPLE IN THE FAMILY COURT SYSTEM. COURSES ON PARENTAL ALIENATION NEED TO BE TAUGHT IN MIDDLE/ELEMENTARY SCHOOLS AND COLLEGES.
    INFORMATION NEEDS SHARED WITH CHURCHES, PARENT-TEACHERS ASSOCIATION, AND EVERYONE POSSIBLE. A FREE SOCIETY IS AN INFORMED SOCIETY. SINCE THE MEDIA DOES LITTLE TO NOTHING ON THIS ISSUE, WE NEED TO DO IT OURSELVES.

  10. And scientists have only ‘just discovered’ the invention of the wheel. This has been going on for a long time but the legal system, the govts and the media love to portray women as the victims and men have to juat grin and bare it like… well… ‘a man’.

  11. What’s this “finally”?
    I was reporting the crap I had to deal with to police over 20 years ago and nothing was done except for me, the actual VICTIM being arrested and charged for what SHE was doing!

  12. I am a father to a son I cannot see. Not only because of circumstances with mother but also because we are from different countries. I am Canadian and she is born in the UK along with our son.
    I have been threatened with not seeing my child for months, been told if I don’t sent more money then I will not see my child, that if I argue with her and validate my own feelings towards her I will not see my child.

    She knew getting into the relationship with me that it would be hard when we had to deal woth seperation by law and immigration. But she stayed in the UK when my visa ended instead of following the original plan we set to move back and forth as needed until we were able to settle permanently in the UK.

    Now I’m in Canada over a year without my child. His 3rd birthday passed in March 28th and I got nothing. Didn’t get to see him at all. I work 7 days a week and save 85% of all my earnings to afford the visa I need to get back to the UK. On top of all this I was recently diagnosed with testicular cancer and have had an orchiectomy to remove it. I have been told by my ex that I am lying about it to garner attention

  13. I support this. Not content with trying to emotionally and financially destroy my partner, his ex wife attacks me too and there’s very little legally I can do about it. It’s the kids I feel sorry for being subjected to her unwarranted, continual vitriol about their dad and I, who they both love. Kids are little people, not the possessions she treats them as. Mumsnet and the school gates fuel the hate.

  14. My ex turned after she got in a new relationship. I had an amicable relationship before in which l provided money for my daughter and free non legal access. I have not seen my 8 yr daughter since boxing day 2017. Apparently she does not want to see me so tough. My ex then went to the csa and managed to get 90 pence more than what l was previously paying freely. She has lost more as l payed for clothes , shool uniforms etc now l don’t. On top of all this my father is barred from seeing her because my daughter , allegedly doesn’t want to see him so tough. The final nail was driven in when ( l have close contact with the school so l can watch from afar) when the school told me my daughters surname is the same as the mother’s. I wasn’t present at the registration due to working. It will cost thousands to get legal access and there is a big chance my daughter will still not want to see me. Just to add, l pay the csa because to not do so l would have had to say my daughter was not mine and could not, will not and never abandon my child. I write this to highlight that absent dad’s are prevented from seeing their children because in my view, the children are being abused mentally. It’s downright evil.

  15. No matter where we are in the world. The family court empower women and treat the man as if he is everything that is said about him, until he proves it otherwise. Women know this or are made aware by lawyers, so they can manipulate the system in their favour. I have been treated like a criminal for the past 9 months and only aloud to see my child for 90 minutes in a public place which is actually a cafe. My poor girl is to young to understand and the mother continues to use her as a bargaining chip, claiming anything she can, to hold control over me. It is very upsetting to see that this is a normal and natural occurrence these days and the man is in no way treated as an equal parent.

  16. My partner is always being bullied by his ex. She tells him hes a bad dad and he’s not a man. There’s threats of violence on top of he tries to see them. It’s always if you don’t do this you’ll never see your kids again, or if you don’t do that…They’ve been separated 11 years and now she’s cut him off from his daughters. The girls and he are devestated. It’s been 5 months since we’ve seen them.

  17. i have exsperience the same while living with my ex n after. separated she dont let me see my daughter like im supose to wen we first separated she made me wait a year befor seeing her again .

  18. “Give me more money or I’ll take the kids from you.” Sadly… I’ve heard that before . I wanted to be in my childrens lives. They’re all nearly grown now and it has been a difficult and painful road, but my oldest children see right through it now. Of course they love their mother and I have never stood in the way or discouraged that, but they do see that they’ve been lied to and used as pawns.

    Suicide rates for middle aged fathers that are denied access to their beloved children is appalling.

  19. There’s no ‘finaly ‘ about it
    Men have been yelling this from the rooftops for almost as long as I’ve been alive, and I’m 52
    Society’s pretty much Universal answer? ” shut up and pay, you deadbeat!”

  20. This is no new trend.. my mother alienated me and my sisters from our fathers ( 2 different dads) , and my ex is now busy alienating our daughter from me and her brother… this is a long term narcissistic abuse that has gone unseen and even promoted since the 70’s and the divorce revolution… ( leftist 3rd wave feminism and their plan to destroy the nuclear family unit) … it worked well didnt it eh.. “WOMEN DON’T NEED MEN” , “WE CAN DO IT OURSLEVES” ..
    well.. how is that working out for ye?
    Teenage suicide at an all time high, malensuicide idem dito, what are the figures again for fatherless homes? How many of these children end up dropping out of school, drugs and alcohol problems, depression, in contact with the police, in prison, homelessness, teenage pregnancy and the cycle continues.. I know the statistics .. do you.. does anyone actually care..
    The lawyers don’t, judges don’t , childcare and even child protection don’t.. they will all get involved ..earn themselves some income.. but they won’t do anything to actually stop it..
    Any ” high conflict” divorce( read narcissistic abuse and ex partner violence) that walks through their doors they instigate even more and help in the alienation of the healthy parent in favour of the NARCISSIST!! Madness..total madness.. and yet it happens daily in every country in the western world..
    Proud of ourselves are we??

  21. Hi! My ex-daughter-in-law told my son that if he would pay more money she would let him pick her up earlier or additional days. When did $700 a month in child support become too littler or not enough? Does he need to pay her truck and mortgage payment too? Sadly, my granddaughter cries and begs to go with her daddy. She is the one that suffers the most.

  22. Shut up and pay is right they had me paying 800 a month for 2 kids even after I had no job now my kids are 23 and 20 I’ll be paying for the rest of my life cuz she just wants me to suffer she told my kids when they were young I didnt care at all when I was homeless I would walk to see my son practice football yet I dont care at all shit needs to change

  23. The family courts (Judges and Magistrates) support and condone this vile behavior-mostly perpetuated by sociopathic mothers. It has been going on for years and is a multi-billion dollar industry used to extort money from ex-husbands and rob them of time and access to their own children as if somehow they ‘deserve’ it. The root of all this chaos is the poisonous feminist movement – which sadly has swung far too much in favour of women who now see the the denigration of men as normal behavior.
    My children have suffered enormously at the hands of their sociopathic unconscious mother who has been unfaithful and betrayed at least two of her three husbands, yet she blazes her trail of destruction unabated and unrestrained by a legal system that supports her psychotic behavior. These patterns and cycles will repeat through our children until the legal system reforms and puts a stop to this – in the name of our innocent children.

  24. That is the problem! They don’t admit it! I can remember countless times I would hear that they had babysitter the night before and I wasn’t even contacted! or showing up with my kids at the exact time we discussed and she would be cutting the grass at 8:00 at night! or being questioned about if I’ve been having any sexual relations with anyone right infront of my kids! My advice! Stay out of the house when picking up your kids or dropping them off! Insist a neutral pickup place like a Tim Hortons parking lot or a local restaurant where there are lots of people around!

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